Revisions

1.There are sparrows in the open fields
somewhere over there, and
they glide gracefully over the hills of
flowers and leaves and fresh green grass
saturated with soft, blurring mildew
with the scent of melons. They whisper
through the air with their wings
of paper feathers and songs of crystal clear
tunes. They are free, soft, and delicate things
that serve no purpose, but they are welcome,
because to me they are like decorations in my
peripheral vision, which is to say that they
are awe-inspiring and remind me of
if I could be free.
2. Andrew - You have some beautiful imagery in the poem "Air."  The poem needs a bit of trimming.  The end of the poem sounds more like prose than poetry, and that's where I would trim some of the lines.  If you do that, I think you'll have a great poem.

Mimi Moriarty

3. There are sparrows in the open fields

somewhere over there, and
they glide gracefully over the rolling hills 

of flowers and leaves and fresh green grass
saturated with soft, blurring mildew
with the scent of melons. They whisper
through the air with their paper wings
and origami feathers and songs of crystal clear
tunes. They are free, soft, and delicate things
that hang like the tree shaped car fresheners

and exist like a lazy cat on a Sunday.

They are.

4. I feel that the revised is definitely more clear and lightweight in terms of jargon. The first one actually had no true point towards the end and it dragged the light feeling of the beginning down a bit. Also, I had not noticed that it was in fact prose towards the end which I should probably look out for in the future. Aside from replacing and adding a few words in the beginning, cutting out the end was really the big thing that I revised in this piece. There still isn't much of a meaning, but the air of the poem is much, much lighter. Arguably, lazy is still too heavy of a word, but I feel like it could be left there as a transition towards something else if I were to use this poem again sometime.